


Girl Problems

by hylian_reptile



Series: RvB Fluff Week [4]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-14 16:46:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14140254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hylian_reptile/pseuds/hylian_reptile
Summary: Jensen asks Simmons for advice on how to seduce a girl.





	Girl Problems

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Prim_the_Amazing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prim_the_Amazing/gifts).



Everyone speculates that Simmons wound up with a squad full of girls because of some secret heartthrob quality that nobody else has seen in him for the last twenty-seven years of his life, while Simmons himself is too terrified of his own squad to actually ask how, exactly, did a pack of girls all come together and take up every available slot on his squad? “Hanging out with a pack of girls is the _opposite_ of a problem, dude,” Tucker says, and sighs against Felix’s knife wound in his gut. “Man, you gotta hit on all of them for us."

 

They’re _college aged_. Some of them could be high schoolers. Simmons is doing no such thing. Simmons is going to keep his head down, run drills as best he can, prep Maroon Team for their very real war against Felix and Locus, and try to not be caught in an actual conversation with any of them.

 

On the third day of being back with the News and Feds, Simmons is cornered in the training room by not one, not two, but _six_ of his squad.

 

(At least Volleyball isn’t there. Thank god, because she’s the worst of the bunch, with her nice smile and penchant for winking and very visible tongue piercing.)

 

“Captain Simmons, may we talk to you for a bit?” says one (Hendrix).

 

Oh god they’re going to report him for being a failure as a captain and a human being oh god oh god. Simmons clears his throat. “What about, Hendrix?”

 

Weinberg nudges Jensen up to the front, who’s blushing furiously and looking down at her shoes. “Um, um,” she says. “I, um…”

 

Carvalho giggles. Pelletier pokes Carvalho in the side. If Jensen is about to confess to some sort of girl-crush on Simmons, Simmons is just going to walk into the battlefield and let Felix shoot him. “Go on,” Weinberg tells Jensen.

 

“Captain Sthimmonsth, I…” Jensen ducks her head down. “I’m having a girl problem and I need your advice!”

 

“WHAT,” says Simmons.

 

“Jensen!” Pelletier hisses.

 

“Not _that_ kind of girl problem!” Carvalho says quickly.

 

“I mean—I mean that’s fine,” Simmons stammers, “I just don’t have—I’m sure Dr Grey has extra t-t-t-t-tampons? Oh my god—”

 

“No!” Jensen exclaims. “I’m having a problem with a girl!”

 

“Oh god,” says Simmons, because that’s even _worse_. “Is someone picking on you? Do you need help? Do you need me to go beat up a—beat up a _girl_? Is this like a Carolina-girl or a weenie-girl—do I have the option of beating her up at chess, or—”

 

Hendrix is laughing into her hands.

 

“I need help on how to stheduce a girl!” Jensen cries.

 

"Oh!" says Simmons, which means simultaneously _so that's why you're so nervous_ and _I didn't know you liked girls_ and _not that there's anything wrong with that_ and _wait no play it cool Simmons, if she can come out nonchalantly then so can you_ and also _I MEAN BE NONCHALANT, NOT COME OUT_.

 

There was nothing to come out about. Yes, really! Nothing! He promises!

 

"Right, yes, girls," says Simmons. "That gender that I know something about seducing, because I've done that, and also I am attracted to females, so, right. Yes. Girls."

 

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” Pelletier says.

 

“Some more bi people around here, thank goodness,” Carvalho says.

 

“—Wait,” says Simmons. “...Bi?”

 

“Yeah,” says Carvalho. “You’d have to be, right? Since you’re dating Captain Grif?”

 

“I,” says Simmons. “I’m? I’m not…”

 

All the girls exchange a glance.

 

“Oh my god,” says Weinberg. “Are you not… out…?”

 

Simmons draws himself up. “There’s nothing to be o-o-out about—”

 

“Oh my god, Captain Sthimmonsth,” Jensen says, burying her face in her hands. “I’m stho sthorry, I didn’t mean to put you on the sthpot, we just assthumed…”

 

“Captain Tucker kept saying that you two were practically married, and you two _were_ being so obvious about it,” Weinberg explains, picking up on Jensen’s thread, “and we got a little over-excited, I guess, since there’s not exactly a lot of other queer folk around—”

 

“—besides Kimball,” Pelletier adds.

 

“—right, besides Kimball, but she’s busy being the general of the whole army. It was just really nice, y’know, to see you and Captain Grif in such a committed and long-term relationship, and we figured that if the other Reds and Blues were so convinced you were getting married, then you _must_ be out about your relationship, but…”

 

“We should tell Bitters,” Hendrix says, and all the rest of the girls nod immediately.

 

“Tell Bitters what?” Simmons asks faintly.

 

“That you and Captain Grif aren’t out! Otherwise he’ll ask Captain Grif something he shouldn’t—you know, if Bitters has boy problems?—because, well, back when you and Captain Grif showed up, we figured we’d split you two, since you’d be leading separate teams.”

 

“ _Split_?”

 

“Haven't you noticed, sir? All the queer boys like Bitters and Matthews go with Captain Grif,” Weinberg explains patiently, “and all the queer girls go with you.”

 

According to Maroon Team, Carvalho is dating Pelletier, who used to date Wood, while Wood is dating Hendrix, while Weinberg is dating Silvers _and_ Hendrix, and on and on and on—a chain of hook-ups and exes and currently-datings concentrated mostly in Simmons’s squad. Options are limited for queer girls. They’ve been in the army a long time. The population of Chorus is small, the population of people around their age is smaller, the population of girls is smaller still, and the population of _queer_ girls is smallest. Queer girls stick together, queer girls start to date, queer girls remain friends with their exes because the social circle is so small, and when the Reds and Blues show up, queer girls decide that they’re all going to be in one squad together, which is—yes, you guessed it— _Maroon Team_.

 

And finally, Simmons realizes: Maroon Team isn't just a pack of girls. Maroon Team is a pack of _lesbians_.

 

“But it’sth a misthtake,” says Jensen quickly. “We justht thought—you know, I'm not sthuper great at talking, and I get pretty nervousth sthometimesth, and I get  _sthuper_ nervousth around really hot girlsth, around hot people in general, really, and it'sth actually really encouraging to me when you're nervousth and nerdy like me,  _and_ you're dating a guy, stho I thought... but if you’re not out, then it’sth all fine, sthir! We didn’t mean to put you on the sthpot like that, we can just…”

 

“Hold on,” says Simmons.

 

Now, Simmons is straight. He _is_. He’s entirely, hundred-percent heterosexual. He’s never been shy in the locker room, he’s never had a crush on his gangly male mathlete captain, he’s never written an entire DnD campaign just for the cute boy one grade older in his high school, he’s never written slash smut fanfic of his DnD character and the cute boy’s DnD character, he’s never looked away when Grif was changing and pretended it was just because he was body-shy, because ha ha ha ha that would be _pretty_ gay, right? Right? And it’s such a good thing that Simmons has never ever ever done all those extremely specific examples, right?

 

But if he had... _If_ he had… he would have appreciated having a role model, too. And inn this hypothetical universe where Simmons is gay, he would have _died_ for a chance to be on a team with a bunch of other queer kids with a queer captain who was in a loving, committed relationship with someone of the same sex.

 

“I’m not in a relationship with Grif,” Simmons begins.

 

“Uh-huh,” says Jensen, doubtfully.

 

“And I’m not gay," Simmons says.

 

“Right,” says Hendrix, with a wink.

 

Simmons tries not to glare at her. “ _But_. I _might_ be able to help."

 

Weinberg beams and ribs Jensen, who flushes again and tries to hide her braces smile.

 

“Which one is she?” says Simmons.

 

“Oh, um,” Jensen mumbles.

 

“Jensen’s still shy,” Weinberg says, like that’s not obvious.

 

Jensen glares at her. “Riley,” she mumbles.

 

Simmons blanks. “Who?”

 

“Volleyball,” Hendrix says.

 

“Oh!” says Simmons, and tries not to feel entirely pleased about that, because he _had_ noticed that Jensen and Volleyball spent enough time with each other to be firmly qualified as “best friends.”

 

"And I'm sthuper sthure that sthhe wantsth to be more than friendsth," Jensen goes on, "and _I_ know that _I'm_ sthuper sthure that I want to be more than friendsth, but…”

 

Simmons winces, knowing what’s going to come out her mouth before it does:

 

“We've sthpent all this time figuring out how our dynamic worksth with all these giant fences around the romantic sthtuff that we both thought we couldn't have, and now that it's time to take down the boundariesth, it feelsth like we've fenced ourselves in. It feelsth like a sthtalemate. I don't know how to break it.”

 

All the girls nod sympathetically. Simmons catches himself nodding sympathetically before he gives himself a mental whack on the head. He absolutely does not relate to being unable to broach the subject of romance with his best friend. He _doesn’t_.

 

Simmons clears his throat. “So are you looking for, um, advice on how to say it, or…”

 

“I’d die if I had to sthay it aloud!” Jensen cries. (Hendrix starts snickering.) “Can’t I justht, like, hint really heavily at it until Riley getsth it?!”

 

Quick—what would Simmons do if he were gay and wanted to date his best friend? “Um, well, you could give her presents?” he says, then catches himself. “You’re _very_ sure that she wants to date you, right?”

 

“Yesth, sthir.”

 

“Oh, good. Presents are safe,” says Simmons. Thank god Jensen is as socially helpless as he is. Jensen is totally right about this: they understand each other’s need to avoid speaking words aloud as much as possible.

 

Jensen frowns. “But Chorusth isth sthtill a warzone, sthir… What could I possibly get her that’s romantic?”

 

Everyone frowns.

 

“...Oreos?” Simmons says.

 

Jensen squints. “...Oreosth, sthir?”

 

“I mean. Everyone loves receiving a family pack of Oreos,” says Simmons. “You could also, um, do things like… not tattle if she’s skipping training. Or keep it a secret if you find her secret napping spots.”

 

“That doesth sound pretty romantic, sthir,” says Jensen.

 

“You could also marathon _Battlestar Galactica_ with her,” Simmons suggests. “I’ve got the whole thing on a hard drive somewhere—actually, technically, Grif has it, but we’ve watched it so many times that I’ll just borrow it and make a copy for you. Oh, and if she’s a _Star Trek_ person, make sure to be a _Star Wars_ fan, and then you can have cute banter about it.”

 

Jensen brightens. “That’sth geniusth, sthir! Any other ideas?”

 

Simmons thinks about it. “If she gets run over by a tank, you can donate your organs to her.”

 

Jensen takes out paper and begins writing down notes.

 

“We knew it’d be a good move to ask you, sir,” says Hendrix. “Whatwith your obvious experience in both being a huge nerd like Jensen and also breaking a romantic stalemate with your best friend.”

 

Simmons frowns. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Hendrix.”

 

“Right, right. Of course, sir,” says Hendrix, and winks.

 

*

 

The next week, Simmons and Grif walk into the motor pool just in time to see Volleyball plant a kiss on Jensen’s cheek in front of half their squad. Weinberg cat-calls. Jensen’s entire face turns tomato-red and, when Volleyball turns away, Jensen gives Simmons a huge thumbs-up and a grin.

 

Simmons, despite himself, winds up grinning like a dumbass.

 

“What happened there?” asks Grif, in a low voice.

 

"Jensen was having a hard time asking out one of her friends on a date, and she asked for me advice," says Simmons. "But it sounds like it all worked out."

 

"Yeah? What was the advice?"

 

"Oh, uh," says Simmons, who is now inexplicably hesitant to share the details. "Just, um, well, I thought about what I would do if I were in her position, if I was in love with my best friend, and I just kind of... went from there...?"

 

Grif is giving him a funny look. Simmons is suddenly aware that Grif is only inches away. "But what was the advice?" Grif asks.

 

Simmons flushes red. "None of your business," he mumbles, and marches away to join his squad as quick as he can.


End file.
